Friday, May 30, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
I need to grow some balls.
3 comments
I have this issue that I need some help with. I hate my hair. Well actually I hate my hairdo. I have really long hair, pretty much the middle of my back long. It is stick straight and super thick. I'm adding a picture of the style I have just add like 10 inches to the length. My hair covers my boobs now pretty much. This picture was taken at my 24th birthday a year ago so that should help you gauge how long it is now.
When I wear my hair down I wear it like that every single time. I am open to suggestions of colour, cut and whatever else you can think of. If you think I should get some side swept bangs let me know, if you think I should go short let me know ( I won't go any shorter than can fit into a ponytail as I play sports) but I am open to everything. I need help. Serious help. Leave a comment, most comments wins (I get final say of course) and within the next week or so I will go and get it done and post the after picture.
Be gentle.
When I wear my hair down I wear it like that every single time. I am open to suggestions of colour, cut and whatever else you can think of. If you think I should get some side swept bangs let me know, if you think I should go short let me know ( I won't go any shorter than can fit into a ponytail as I play sports) but I am open to everything. I need help. Serious help. Leave a comment, most comments wins (I get final say of course) and within the next week or so I will go and get it done and post the after picture.
Be gentle.
Monday, May 5, 2008
3 years tomorrow
7 comments
Tomorrow is my 3 year anniversary of being diagnosed with cancer. Many of you know nothing about this so I will take today's post to tell you my story.
I was 22 years old when I heard my doctor say it's cancer. I was in shock. I started to shake and stopped listening to what he was saying. All I could say was "I'm so young, how can this be? Am I going to die? What did I do wrong?" He told me it was Cervical Cancer and that it had spread quickly, only 2 weeks prior I was pre-cancerous and now it had changed to cancerous. I had to have surgery as soon as possible as they didn't know how much further it had spread. I nodded as if I understood and was ok and left the office. I walked across the street to where my sister worked, walked into her office looked at her and said "I have cancer." She started to cry and closed her office door. We sat and cried for about an hour. I left and drove home like a zombie. I don't even remember driving I was so out of it.
I sat on the couch and started to think. I was so angry at first. I just didn't understand why. I was so mad at myself for having cancer. I was mad at my sister who was too afraid to get her pap done and made me go with her. I was mad that she was fine and I wasn't. She was older and didn't plan on having kids, she was married and living a happy settled life. I was young and single and pissed. Did I miss my chance at kids? Did choices I made earlier make god decide to punish me? Did that choice I made in my early 20's come back to kick me in the ass? I'll never know.
I was booked for surgery a week later. In my pre-surgery meeting I had to sign a piece of paper allowing the doctors to give me a hysterectomy if the cancer had in fact spread. I cried while I signed my name. Not because I was afraid but because my choice was being taken away from me. I wasn't sure if I wanted kids but I knew I wanted the choice. It felt so final. The next morning I woke up early and sat thinking about the past. The choices I made and the regrets that I had. I decided that there was nothing I could do about it now except face it head on and hope for the best. My sister braided my hair and helped me get ready to go. Right before we left the house my niece came up to me and gave me her favourite stuffed animal. She said it helped her whenever she was afraid and that maybe it would help me. I took the stuffy and held on to it tight. It was so soft and smelled so sweetly, just like my little niece. I gave her a hug and said thanks, the whole time trying not to cry in front of her.
The drive to the hospital felt like the longest drive in history. It was only 10 minutes but it seemed to take hours. It felt like everyone was looking at me, knowing what was about to happen. I remember walking into the hospital and the next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room. The first words out of my mouth was asking if I had to have a hysterectomy. I didn't. I was so relieved that I don't remember anything after that.
2 weeks later my results came back to show that my margins were clear. This meant that as far as they could tell the cancer hadn't spread and that they got it all with the single surgery. I then met with the doctor to discuss what would happen next. We talked about the chances of me having children (unknown), carrying a child (difficult) and giving birth (c-section only). I have to have 6 month follow-up paps for the rest of my life and the chances are high that it could return somewhere else. We won't know until I'm older.
I wanted to write about this not because I want people to feel badly for me but so that if there are women out there who don't know about the risks of not having regular paps that maybe now they will. Learn from my story and change. Know that it doesn't discriminate by age or race or lifestyle. It doesn't care if you have money or are poor, are married or single, have 20 kids or have none, you aren't protected from it.
So tomorrow if you have a second, stop and smile for me. Smile for me surviving and for everyone else who has gone through this. Tomorrow will be 3 years since my life changed forever and I think I am going to be just fine.
I was 22 years old when I heard my doctor say it's cancer. I was in shock. I started to shake and stopped listening to what he was saying. All I could say was "I'm so young, how can this be? Am I going to die? What did I do wrong?" He told me it was Cervical Cancer and that it had spread quickly, only 2 weeks prior I was pre-cancerous and now it had changed to cancerous. I had to have surgery as soon as possible as they didn't know how much further it had spread. I nodded as if I understood and was ok and left the office. I walked across the street to where my sister worked, walked into her office looked at her and said "I have cancer." She started to cry and closed her office door. We sat and cried for about an hour. I left and drove home like a zombie. I don't even remember driving I was so out of it.
I sat on the couch and started to think. I was so angry at first. I just didn't understand why. I was so mad at myself for having cancer. I was mad at my sister who was too afraid to get her pap done and made me go with her. I was mad that she was fine and I wasn't. She was older and didn't plan on having kids, she was married and living a happy settled life. I was young and single and pissed. Did I miss my chance at kids? Did choices I made earlier make god decide to punish me? Did that choice I made in my early 20's come back to kick me in the ass? I'll never know.
I was booked for surgery a week later. In my pre-surgery meeting I had to sign a piece of paper allowing the doctors to give me a hysterectomy if the cancer had in fact spread. I cried while I signed my name. Not because I was afraid but because my choice was being taken away from me. I wasn't sure if I wanted kids but I knew I wanted the choice. It felt so final. The next morning I woke up early and sat thinking about the past. The choices I made and the regrets that I had. I decided that there was nothing I could do about it now except face it head on and hope for the best. My sister braided my hair and helped me get ready to go. Right before we left the house my niece came up to me and gave me her favourite stuffed animal. She said it helped her whenever she was afraid and that maybe it would help me. I took the stuffy and held on to it tight. It was so soft and smelled so sweetly, just like my little niece. I gave her a hug and said thanks, the whole time trying not to cry in front of her.
The drive to the hospital felt like the longest drive in history. It was only 10 minutes but it seemed to take hours. It felt like everyone was looking at me, knowing what was about to happen. I remember walking into the hospital and the next thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room. The first words out of my mouth was asking if I had to have a hysterectomy. I didn't. I was so relieved that I don't remember anything after that.
2 weeks later my results came back to show that my margins were clear. This meant that as far as they could tell the cancer hadn't spread and that they got it all with the single surgery. I then met with the doctor to discuss what would happen next. We talked about the chances of me having children (unknown), carrying a child (difficult) and giving birth (c-section only). I have to have 6 month follow-up paps for the rest of my life and the chances are high that it could return somewhere else. We won't know until I'm older.
I wanted to write about this not because I want people to feel badly for me but so that if there are women out there who don't know about the risks of not having regular paps that maybe now they will. Learn from my story and change. Know that it doesn't discriminate by age or race or lifestyle. It doesn't care if you have money or are poor, are married or single, have 20 kids or have none, you aren't protected from it.
So tomorrow if you have a second, stop and smile for me. Smile for me surviving and for everyone else who has gone through this. Tomorrow will be 3 years since my life changed forever and I think I am going to be just fine.
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